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> Making the 'Mech, by Captain Benjamin Maxwell
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post Dec 15 2005, 06:20 PM
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There was a package waiting for me when I got home today.

A package so innocent in appearence, with so humble an exterior, that none would have suspected the deadly contents that lay within.

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You see, I have been plotting world domination for quite some time now, slowly building a reserve of funds, and hording the equipment necessary for the day I finally unleash my awesome fury upon the unsuspecting world.

Searching eBay for weapons of mass destruction one day, I found a deal that no weekend warlord could possibly live without...

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...a BattleMech in a box!


VICTORY IS MINE!
MWAA HAA HAA HAA HAA...gack...cough...cough...gag...


[hr]

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Okay, first off, let's lay down a little bit of background info on this set:

Way back in 2003, during the initial marketing blitz that followed the debut of MechWarrior: Dark Age, Joyride Studios and WizKids Games rolled out a LOT of cool toys. Included in this bonanza of goodness were a wide variety of 6" BattleMechs; everything from a Jupiter, to a ForestryMech, to a Legionnaire, and perhaps, the most sought-after figure...the Mad Cat II. Now, these toys were absolutely loaded with features and detail, from articulated limbs and opening hatches, to tiny pilots that could actually be taken out of the 'Mech's cockpit and played with.

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Though there was a high demand for these sets, they were always readily available. Thus, whenever I saw one in the store, I always procrastinated, convinced that I could come back at a later time and buy one.

Stupid me.

By the time 2004 rolled around, I was hard-pressed to find the figures anywhere. My desire to have a 6" Mad Cat of my very own had multiplied tenfold, but there were no figures to be had.

Anywhere.

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In fact, the last place I remember seeing the legendary articulated Mad Cat II was at the back of an odds and ends shop, mint in the box, for $20.00. Even then, I was convinced I could score one later on, and didn't bother to get it when I had the chance (although I did carry it around the store for quite some time before I left). Needless to say, later on, I wound up kicking myself for my shortsightedness.

Fast forward to a week ago, 2005.

I was screwing around on the Internet, searching site after site for any obscure vendor that might still have the near-extinct figures in stock. Just when I was approaching the point of defeat, I came across this auction, and my world changed forever.

You see, near the end of the production run for the figures, Joyride Studios, in an attempt to boost sagging sales, released a number of 'spinoff' lines, based on the original toys, but each with their own twist. The new sets included the Battle-Damaged Jupiter, the Battle-Damaged Mad Cat, and the BattleMech Construction Kit.

The Battle Damaged stuff was cool enough, although I don't think it did very well. The BattleMech Construction Set, on the other hand, was just an ill-conceived concept from the start. There was nothing 'special' or 'unique' about this set, whatsoever. It just felt...uninspired. It literally was nothing more than a dismantled Mad Cat II action figure that had been repainted. No custom parts to swap out if the builder wanted to, no paint kits to give it a different look. Nothing but a bunch of parts, a screwdriver, and an instruction manual that detailed how to put everything back together. Incredibly, these kits were near-impossible to find, and where they could be found, they certainly weren't selling very well.

This worked to my advantage, however. Since there was absolutely no difference between the Construction Kit 'Mech and its predecessor, with a little bit of work, I reasoned, I could have the figure I so badly wanted.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

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One week, and ten bucks plus shipping and handling later, the components of the BattleMech Construction Kit were spread across my kitchen counter. To be fair, it is kind of cool to see a Mad Cat II broken down into its base components, and the set does have some nice features. I'd like to talk a little about these nicities before I describe the painful experience that was the actual assembly process.

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First of all, the set is HUGE. Even the box itself seems to have lost track of how many parts are actually in the kit. While the front of the package screams that at least 45 pieces are included, the back panel hints at a number far above 65. But if I had to guess, I'd say that the actual number is closer to 645,000,000 pieces.

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Part 382,756,199: Green Pilot Guy.


Fortunately, the intrepid mechanic who dares tackle this monumentous task will be well-equipped. Joyride Studios was thoughtful enough to include all the tools needed to sucessfully construct a fusion-powered walking tank with the best of 'em:

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...a screwdriver (yes, it really was included!)...


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...and a slew of assembly instructions, all in English!


The assembly instructions are perhaps the most incredible tool included with this set. They're not your run-of-the-mill 'insert tab A into slot C, and cross-connect with axis X on the vertical plane' instructions. Oh, no. Instructions found in these sheets include 'affix series 5K Extended Range Medium Lasers to port and starboard torso,' and 'connect LRM-20 racks to shoulder pods.'

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Armed with this battery of tools and information, I was ready to begin the construction process. Since I would be documenting the task step-by-step, I recruited one of my minions to assist in the procedure:

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The set is incredibly detailed, and comes pre-painted in the appropriate colors and decorated with the appropriate detail markings.


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Additional decal sheets are included with the set, giving you a choice of regiments to place your 'Mech in.

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The Green Pilot Guy tries out his new digs.



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I only found one component whose detail seemed out of the ordinary. The canopy glass included with the kit was cast in an ungodly shade of Urine Yellow. I quickly enlisted the help of my minion to correct this oversight, while I set about assembling the 'Mech's leg actuators.

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The majority of the 'Mech's components snap together, and for the most part, assembly went over without a hitch. Although the kit's packaging would have you believe that the entire set is manufactured from die cast metal, this is misleading. The bulk of the figure's components are manufactured from plastic. Only the reactor casing, the main chassis, and the feet are metal.


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I ran into a problem while assembling the Mad Cat's legs. After I got the upper actuators together, I realized that they were warped, and that there was no way I was going to be able to get both halves of the leg joined together. I set these aside, fully intending to address the issue later.

I decided to move on to the center torso, and begin assembly of the cockpit. However, the next words I saw in the instruction book horrified me:

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Glue? GLUE?!? The BOX said nothing about GLUE! They didn't even INCLUDE glue in the package! Heads would roll!

With horrified resignation, I set the instruction manual down. A venture to the Newport News Wal-Mart would be in order before the project could continue any further.

I summoned my minion, and we set forth into the void.

Soon, I reassured him...soon...we would RULE THE WORLD!

- TO BE CONTINUED -
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Guest
post Feb 25 2006, 12:32 PM
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You're weird man.
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Ron 'Butch' Harris
post Feb 25 2006, 12:34 PM
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QUOTE(Guest @ Feb 25 2006, 11:32 AM) *

You're weird man.


That's the way we like him. tongue.gif


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Director Gen Miyamoto
post Feb 25 2006, 12:58 PM
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Ben has problems. Problems we like.


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Saburo Kintaru
post Feb 25 2006, 05:04 PM
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QUOTE(Guest @ Feb 25 2006, 06:32 PM) *

You're weird man.


What a ‘compelling’ argument! Perhaps next time the poster will have the balls to identify himself and further his reasons for taking a piece of amusing literature too seriously…


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Wedge Lourde
post Feb 25 2006, 05:08 PM
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This is the first time I've ever taken the time to read this. If you think Maxwell's weird, just read the stories about his town. Newport is about the weirdest city you could find in redneck Virginia. Don't forget the "explosive" the size of him.


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post Feb 27 2006, 12:30 AM
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